Member Reflections: I Think I Might Need Some Help
by Julie Ellingson
As anyone who has been diagnosed with breast cancer has experienced, I left the doctor’s office in a daze of sorts, reeling from the diagnosis itself and thinking the worst. I wondered what the next steps would be, how I would get through treatment, and who to tell first.
My friends, family, co-workers, and acquaintances, upon learning the news of my diagnosis, all offered to help. “Call me if you need anything,” they said. The problem was, I had no idea what I needed because I was still in shock and didn’t yet have a treatment plan. And I had no prior experience with a cancer diagnosis.
I decided to take down the names of every person who offered to help me and kept their numbers for future reference per the suggestion of someone I knew who already had experienced this journey. “Keep these names and numbers, and when you know what you need you can ask for it,” she said. She then volunteered to track names, phone numbers, and offers of help for me. Later, when I knew what I needed, I called her and she contacted people on the list who were happy to assist.
Most people want to help. Helping makes people feel better because they, too, feel helpless and don’t know what to do. And most people, if asked to help with a specific task, are more than happy to step up for it.
As I got more into the process of treatment, I started to realize the kinds of things with which I would need support. Those things tended to fall into a few categories, and were determined by what I felt I needed, not by what others thought I needed.
I want to share with you these categories and give you some examples of what types of support might fit into each category.
PHYSICAL: This supports our need for nutrition, household and family responsibilities,transportation, sleep and rest, and alleviating treatment symptoms. Examples include meals, housekeeping, transportation to appointments, managing bills and paperwork, childcare, exercise, and even tiny little gifts like tea and hard candies to suck on.
EMOTIONAL: I was on a roller coaster of emotions and what helped me were people who could listen without offering advice, allow me to have my feelings whatever they were, and offering encouraging words. Other things that may fit under this category are more concrete, such as a gift of a stuffed animal to hold, hugs, a special blanket to take along to treatments, or a relaxing CD. Cards and letters are also good, on an ongoing basis, as treatment often lasts many months. And while phone calls are good, they could be overwhelming if I had too many of them with little energy to repeat the same information over and over. Setting up a Caring Bridge site for me or screening calls for me was very helpful. I often listened to relaxation music when trying to fall asleep with too much on my mind. At one point, I made an appointment with a therapist whose specialty was people with cancer. It is wise to remember that the need for support doesn’t end when treatment is completed. In fact, it is not until then that many people with cancer actually have the time to process what they have been through and to grieve the losses they have experienced along the way.
SPIRITUAL: A cancer diagnosis for some can be a spiritual crisis. “Why me?” “Where are you God?” For me, it was helpful to let people know that I needed and wanted their prayers. I knew I could not do this journey alone. It was touching when people asked if they could pray with me and for me. If you are so inclined, ask groups of people to pray for you or to add you to their prayer lists. Just knowing that many prayed for me made me feel better. Time for meditation is useful, a day in nature can be nourishment for the soul, and spiritual hymns or music can be effective at allaying fears. A weekend away from home or a drive in the country boosted my spirit.
SOCIAL: People need people! Do not assume you will not need anybody. It was important for me to see my friends and to do things with them when I was up to it. Walks and talks were planned and determined by my energy level. Having cancer did not negate the need for fun and laughter in my life. Support groups also filled some of my social needs. You can find one that fits for you. I am biased toward the Dragon Divas!
I am in the back of the boat, right side.
After reading this, hopefully you will have some idea of the kinds of things you may need and for which you can ask. Asking for what I needed was difficult for me, as it is for most people, especially when facing so many unknowns. However, allowing people to help means not having to travel this cancer road alone. It means cementing relationships that were already quite secure with people who love you, and it means building new and more intimate relationships that you could ever imagine with people who will pleasantly surprise you with their thoughtfulness, creativity and generosity.
